Do I Have Relationship Anxiety or Am I With the Wrong Person?

You love them—but you’re having doubts. Is it you? Or is it the relationship?

You replay conversations, second-guess their behavior (and yours) and wonder if something's wrong with you for not feeling settled. One moment you're daydreaming about your future together. The next, you're stuck in a spiral of "what ifs."

If you're struggling to trust yourself in love, you're not alone. You're navigating the confusing intersection between relationship anxiety and legitimate misalignment.

But how do you know the difference?

What Is Relationship Anxiety?

Relationship anxiety refers to chronic doubts, worries or unease that show up in otherwise safe, healthy partnerships. It's not always about the person you're with—it's often about the patterns you bring with you.

The hallmark of relationship anxiety is fear. You might experience:

🌿 Overthinking everything your partner says or does
🌿 Constant worry that you're "settling" or don't feel enough spark
🌿 Fear of being abandoned or fear of being "trapped"
🌿 Repeatedly asking, "Is this normal?" or seeking reassurance

These feelings can be overwhelming—even in relationships that seem "fine" on the outside. And they can lead to a painful inner tug-of-war where you ruminate about whether you're sabotaging something good or if your anxiety is trying to tell you something important.

The key difference: With anxiety, you typically know what you want (connection, love, commitment) but you feel afraid of it. Your doubts are driven by fear, not genuine confusion about compatibility.

What Causes Relationship Anxiety?

Relationship anxiety doesn't just appear out of nowhere. It often stems from:

Attachment wounds from childhood or past relationships
If early relationships taught you that love is unpredictable, conditional, or unsafe, your nervous system learned to be on high alert in intimate connections. Even when you're with someone safe, that old wiring can create constant worry.

Perfectionism and high achievement patterns
When you're used to excelling and "getting it right" in other areas of life, relationships can feel frustratingly ambiguous. There's no clear metric for success, which can trigger chronic self-doubt and fear of failure.

Low self-worth and imposter syndrome
The same voice that tells you you're not qualified at work can follow you into relationships, whispering that you're not worthy of love or that your partner will eventually "figure out" you're not enough.

Past betrayal, emotional neglect, or inconsistency
If you've been hurt before—through infidelity, emotional unavailability, or having your needs dismissed—it makes sense that vulnerability feels dangerous now. Your anxiety is trying to protect you from being blindsided again.

Why High-Achieving Women Experience More Relationship Anxiety

If you're a professional woman who's built a successful career, you might notice that relationship doubts feel especially intense. There's a reason for that.

Perfectionism spills into love. When you're used to excelling—hitting goals, meeting standards, getting it right—relationships can feel frustratingly ambiguous. There's no clear metric for "good enough," which can trigger chronic second-guessing.

Imposter syndrome doesn't stay at the office. That nagging voice that tells you you're not qualified for the promotion? It follows you home. You might worry that your partner will "figure out" you're not as worthy of love as they think—or that your emotional needs make you "too much."

Independence creates conflict. You've worked hard to build autonomy and identity. The idea of needing someone—or merging lives—can trigger concerns about losing yourself or becoming dependent.

The result? You might find yourself spiraling even when the relationship is healthy. Not because something's wrong with your partner, but because vulnerability itself feels risky.

Understanding that relationship anxiety isn't a character flaw—it's often a byproduct of the same drive and self-protection that helped you succeed professionally—can help you approach these doubts differently. The goal isn't to eliminate the anxiety—it's to learn how to hold it without letting it run your decisions.

Signs You May Be Experiencing Relationship Anxiety (Not a Mismatch)

If the following feels familiar, you may be struggling with relationship anxiety—not necessarily the wrong partner:

1. Things felt good until they got serious

You were excited, hopeful, and confident about the relationship in the early stages. But once real commitment or deeper intimacy became a possibility, the doubts started flooding in. This often indicates anxiety about vulnerability, not incompatibility.

2. You idealize and devalue in cycles

One day your partner is amazing—everything you've ever wanted. The next day, you're noticing every flaw and wondering how you could have been so blind. This push-pull dynamic is classic anxiety, not a sign the relationship is wrong.

3. You seek constant reassurance

You find yourself frequently asking your partner if they still love you, if everything's okay, or checking in with friends to validate the relationship. No amount of reassurance seems to stick for long.

4. You alternate between connection and panic

There are moments—sometimes days or weeks—where you feel deeply connected and secure. Then suddenly, out of nowhere, panic hits: "What if this is all wrong?" These emotional whiplash moments are hallmarks of anxiety.

5. You worry you're settling but can't explain why

When people ask what's wrong with the relationship, you struggle to articulate it. There's just this nagging feeling of "not enough," even though objectively, the relationship has what you want. This vague unease often points to internal anxiety rather than external incompatibility.

6. You've felt this way before

If you've experienced similar doubts in past relationships—especially ones that were actually healthy—this is a strong indicator that anxiety is the common thread, not a series of wrong partners.

But What If I'm With the Wrong Person?

Relationship anxiety can sometimes point to real misalignment—especially if you find yourself shrinking, doubting your values or consistently feeling unheard.

It's crucial to distinguish between anxiety that's trying to protect you from legitimate concerns and anxiety that's creating problems where none exist.

Red flags that suggest real incompatibility:

1. You feel emotionally unsafe around them
This isn't just nervousness or butterflies. It's a persistent sense that expressing yourself, having needs, or being vulnerable will result in criticism, dismissal, or emotional punishment.

2. You've clearly expressed your needs, but they're consistently dismissed
Healthy partners might not always get it right, but they listen, care, and make efforts to adjust. If your clearly stated needs are regularly minimized, ignored, or met with defensiveness, that's not anxiety—that's a real problem.

3. You don't trust them based on their actual behavior
If your lack of trust stems from their demonstrated patterns—lying, betrayal, inconsistency, breaking promises—this isn't your anxiety talking. This is your intuition protecting you.

4. You feel lonelier with them than when you're alone
Relationships should add to your life, not drain it. If being together consistently leaves you feeling more isolated, disconnected, or misunderstood than being by yourself, that's a significant sign of misalignment.

5. Your gut instinct is trying to protect you, not sabotage you
Sometimes anxiety manifests as a persistent "something's wrong" feeling because something actually is wrong. The key is whether this feeling is based on patterns you're observing or purely on internal spirals.

How Do You Tell the Difference?

This is the hardest part—and why so many Denver women seek out relationship therapy with us at the Women's Counseling Center of Denver.

The line between anxiety and intuition can feel impossibly blurry. Here are key questions to help you discern what's really happening:

Questions that point to anxiety (not incompatibility):

1. Do your doubts spike precisely when things are going well?
If your worries intensify when you're feeling close, vulnerable, or happy—that's often anxiety. Anxiety fears intimacy itself, not problems. It shows up strongest when things are good because closeness triggers old fears.

2. Have you experienced this same pattern in past relationships?
If this isn't the first time you've felt this way—especially in relationships that were actually healthy—it's likely anxiety following you from relationship to relationship, not a series of wrong partners. The common denominator is your fear response, not the people you're choosing.

3. When you're calm and grounded, do the doubts quiet down?
Take a walk. Journal. Rest. Then check in: are the doubts still screaming? Anxiety tends to quiet when you're regulated. Real incompatibility usually maintains its presence regardless of your emotional state.

4. Does the voice of doubt sound like your younger, wounded self?
Pay attention to the tone and content of your doubts. If they sound like the scared child who learned love was conditional, or the teenager who got hurt and vowed "never again"—that's old pain, not current truth. Your adult self would speak differently.

5. Are your doubts vague and shape-shifting, or specific and concrete?
Anxiety creates nebulous, hard-to-articulate doubts: "Something just feels off," "I'm not sure they're the one," "What if I'm settling?" Real relationship problems are usually nameable: communication breakdowns, value conflicts, behavioral patterns you can identify.

6. Do you spiral into worst-case scenarios?
"They'll definitely leave," "I'll definitely regret this," "This will definitely fail." Catastrophic thinking is anxiety's signature. If your mind jumps to disaster without evidence, that's fear talking, not intuition.

7. What do trusted people in your life observe?
Sometimes friends or family can see patterns we can't. If multiple people who know you well observe that you seem happy but keep manufacturing doubts, that external perspective matters.

Note: If you're experiencing genuine confusion about what you want (not fear-based doubts), you might be dealing with relationship uncertainty instead. This post about relationship uncertainty explores that different experience.

Practical Steps to Navigate Relationship Anxiety Right Now

While professional support can be transformative, there are also things you can do on your own to start managing relationship anxiety:

1. Track your doubt patterns

Keep a journal of when your doubts spike. Note what was happening before—were you feeling particularly close? Did something trigger an old wound? Was there actual conflict, or just intimacy? Patterns will emerge that help you see what's really driving the doubts.

2. Practice the 48-hour rule

When intense doubts hit, commit to not making any major decisions for 48 hours. Give your nervous system time to regulate. Often, what feels like urgent truth in the moment looks very different after some space.

3. Separate past from present

When doubts arise, ask: "Is this about what's happening now, or what happened before?" Name the past experience. Say out loud: "That was then. This is now. This person is not [past person who hurt you]."

4. Challenge catastrophic thinking

Anxiety loves worst-case scenarios. When you catch yourself spiraling ("They'll definitely leave," "I'll definitely regret this"), challenge it: "Is that definitely true, or is that anxiety talking? What evidence do I actually have?"

5. Build tolerance for uncertainty

Relationships don't come with guarantees. Instead of seeking absolute certainty (which doesn't exist), practice sitting with "I don't know for sure, and that's okay." Anxiety hates uncertainty, but growth happens when we learn to tolerate it.

6. Use the "anxiety vs. gut" test

Ask yourself: "If this doubt disappeared tomorrow, would I feel relieved—or would I still have concerns?" If you'd feel pure relief, it's likely anxiety. If legitimate concerns would remain, your intuition might be speaking.

7. Notice the physical sensations

Anxiety lives in your body: racing heart, tight chest, churning stomach. When doubts come with these sensations, that's often anxiety's fear response. Learn to recognize your body's anxiety signals so you can pause before reacting from that state.

8. Share your process with your partner (when appropriate)

If you're in a safe relationship, letting your partner know "I'm working through some old anxiety patterns" can create understanding. They don't need to fix it, but transparency can reduce the isolation of struggling alone.

Why Support Helps You Sort This Out (Faster and More Compassionately)

Trying to navigate all this in your head is exhausting. Friends mean well, but often offer oversimplified advice that doesn't account for the complexity of what you're experiencing:

"If you're questioning it, that's your answer."
This advice assumes all doubts are intuition. But what if your doubts are anxiety? What if questioning is your pattern, not your truth?

"You just need to relax and stop overthinking."
If only it were that simple. Telling someone with relationship anxiety to "just relax" is like telling someone with insomnia to "just sleep." It dismisses the real neurological and emotional patterns at play.

"Trust your gut."
But your "gut" might be wired for fear. Or perfectionism. Or loss. If your gut learned early on that love is dangerous, it will send danger signals even when you're safe.

This is where professional support—especially with a women's therapist who understands relationship anxiety—can be a game-changer.

What makes specialized support different:

Understanding attachment patterns: A therapist trained in relationship anxiety can help you understand how your early attachment experiences shape current relationship doubts. This isn't about blame—it's about awareness that leads to change.

Distinguishing anxiety from intuition: Through skilled questioning and observation over time, a therapist can help you recognize your specific anxiety patterns versus legitimate concerns. You'll learn your own signals.

Tools that actually work: Beyond generic advice, you'll learn specific techniques tailored to relationship anxiety: how to reality-test your thoughts, calm your nervous system, and stay present rather than spiraling.

A safe space to explore without judgment: Working through relationship doubts requires honesty—even about thoughts you're ashamed of. Therapy provides a confidential space to voice everything without fear of judgment or unsolicited advice.

Our Approach to Relationship Counseling in Denver

We combine here-and-now tools (like CBT) to calm your nervous system and stop spirals with deeper, insight-oriented work (psychodynamic therapy) to help you understand where your anxiety comes from—and what it's trying to protect.

You don't have to end a healthy relationship to feel at peace.

And you don't have to stay just to avoid being "too much."

You deserve a relationship—and a mindset—that feels calmer, more connected and true to who you are.

Next Step: Let's Talk

If you're tired of spinning in circles wondering if it's you or them… you don't have to keep doing this alone.

🔘 Schedule a free 20-minute consultation
🔘 Meet with one of our women's therapists in Denver (or virtually throughout Colorado)
🔘 Start building the clarity, peace and confidence in yourself that you've been craving