What It Means When You’re the One Who Had the Affair
What It Means, What It Doesn’t, and What Comes Next
If you’re currently having an affair, or picking up the pieces after one has ended, you may be confused and shocked that the affair happened at all. Maybe you never thought you’d be in this position or you weren’t looking for it to happen.
You value honesty. You love deeply. You’ve built a life based on loyalty and caring.
And yet, here you are—wrestling with the reality that you stepped outside your relationship.
If you’re reading this, you might be flooded with shame, regret and even excitement. You may be asking yourself:
How did I let this happen?
What does this mean about me?
Can I fix this?
Do I even want to?
This post isn’t about judgment. It’s about understanding. Because while infidelity is complex and deeply personal, it’s also more common than we talk about—especially for women.
And you don’t have to navigate all the feelings alone.
The Quiet Reality: Women Have Affairs Too
Cultural narratives often cast men as the unfaithful ones. But research shows that women initiate affairs nearly as often—and for reasons that often go beyond physical attraction.
Many women who’ve had affairs describe feeling:
Emotionally invisible or unappreciated in their relationship
Like they’ve lost touch with who they are
Tired of being everything to everyone—and getting nothing back
Trapped in a cycle of loneliness, resentment, or disconnection
An affair doesn’t “just happen.” It’s often the culmination of years of emotional depletion, unmet needs, or pain that never found another outlet.
That doesn’t mean cheating is the healthiest action to take. But it does mean there’s more to the story than a single bad choice. These affairs are rarely about carelessness—they're about care that’s been absent, including care for the self.
You’re Not a Terrible Person. You’re a Woman in Pain.
The shame that follows an affair—especially for women—can be crushing. You might feel like you’re the villain in your own life. You might even agree with the harshest things people would say if they knew.
But here’s the truth: you’re still you.
A good, complex, hurting person who made a choice in the context of unmet needs, difficult circumstances, or long-ignored emotional pain.
Therapy offers a space to unpack those layers—without being shamed or excused. Just heard, deeply and honestly.
Many of our clients share that therapy was the first time they could talk about their experience without feeling judged or told what they should do.
Why Some Women Cheat: It’s Not Always What You Think
Contrary to the stereotype, many women don’t cheat out of boredom or lust.
They cheat because they feel:
Starved for emotional connection
Unseen and unvalued in their current relationship
Like they’ve lost themselves in motherhood, caretaking, or career pressures
Numb, lonely, or hopeless—and the affair jolted them into feeling again
Sometimes it’s to be seen or heard. Other times, it’s a grasp at feeling alive, desirable, passionate. Often, it’s a signal that something deeper needs healing.
Understanding your “why” isn’t about blame. It’s about clarity—so you can choose what comes next with intention.
This kind of reflection can help you make peace with your past and make more conscious choices moving forward.
What Women Struggle With After Having an Affair
Whether your affair was discovered or disclosed, there’s often an emotional fallout that no one prepares you for:
Shame: The voice in your head calling you selfish, damaged, or unlovable.
Fear: Will I lose everything? Will I ever be trusted again?
Confusion: Do I want to repair this relationship? Or is this showing me something I haven’t wanted to admit?
Grief: Mourning the version of you that made the mistake, or the relationship that might not recover.
It’s a lot.
But healing doesn’t come from punishing yourself. It comes from being radically honest—with yourself first—and then figuring out what healing, repair, or reinvention looks like from there.
What Therapy Can Help You Explore
At the Women’s Counseling Center of Denver, we support women who feel overwhelmed, ashamed, or lost after or while having an affair. We know how complicated it can be.
Whether you're trying to save your relationship, end it consciously, or simply figure out why this happened, we provide an empowering space to explore:
The unmet needs that led to the affair
The impact of guilt, shame, and self-worth on your identity and relationship with yourself
Whether you want to repair or release the relationship
How to rebuild trust—with yourself and others
How to set boundaries, communicate clearly, and heal from the inside out
This work can feel intense. But it can also be the catalyst for transformation—within yourself, and within your relationships.
You don’t have to justify what happened to find healing. You only have to be open to understanding it.
You’re Not Alone. Many Women Sit Where You’re Sitting.
Every week, women walk into our therapy offices holding similar stories. Successful, kind, devoted women who are carrying guilt like a second skin.
These aren’t bad people. They’re deeply feeling, deeply hurting women who are ready to understand their choices and move toward healing.
You can be one of them. And you don’t have to do it alone. We’re here to help you sort through the mess—not judge it.
Relationship Therapy in Denver—Without Judgment
If you’re hoping to repair your current relationship, relationship therapy can be a powerful next step. We work with couples navigating the impact of infidelity and help each partner feel seen, heard, and empowered to decide what healing looks like for them.
And if your relationship is ending—or already has—we can support you through that too. Closure, grief, and forgiveness (including self-forgiveness) are all things that deserve care and support.
Whether it’s individual therapy or relationship therapy in Denver, the goal is to help you understand your patterns, reclaim your self-worth, and move forward with clarity.
The Healing Isn’t Linear, But It’s Possible
You might not know what you want yet. That’s okay.
You don’t need to have all the answers before starting therapy. You just need the courage to be curious. To soften toward yourself. To believe that you are more than your worst moment.
And that you are worthy of healing.
Looking for Women's Therapy in Denver?
You’ve already taken a step by reading this.
If you’re searching for women’s therapy in Denver, or looking for women’s counselors who understand the emotional layers of affairs and relationship trauma, we’re here.
At the Women’s Counseling Center of Denver, we help women navigate:
The pain and fallout of infidelity
Relationship uncertainty and emotional disconnection
Guilt, self-doubt, and fear of judgment
Reconnecting to themselves, their values, and their voice
You don’t have to carry this alone. We see the whole story—not just the affair.
Schedule a free 20-minute consult with one of our therapists today.
No pressure—just a conversation to see if we’re the right fit.
📍 Serving women across Denver and the surrounding metro area
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